Look, I’m just going to get this admission out of the way, right now, before I continue any further. (Deep breath in) I enjoy…..pumpkin spice. I KNOW! It’s not cool; it apparently angers most of the Internet. But I can’t help it, I just like it. I may even love it. It started out innocently enough- pumpkin spice coffee creamer debuted and, although I’m a black coffee drinker by nature, it was delicious and fun to drink in the fall. Then Dairy Queen came out with the Pumpkin Pie Blizzard and, being 9 months pregnant and choosing to ignore my lactose intolerance, I just had to try it. I guess the rest is history; the more pumpkin spice flavored products that came out, the more I had to try them, and so on, and so on. It wasn’t until about September of this year that I realized this was a problem. It has come to my attention that liking all things pumpkin spice has given rise to some sort of confusing Apocolypse, birthing a terrifying breed of demon known as The Basic Bitch. Although unsure exactly what that was, I knew it was bad. People were so vitriolic on social media that it had to be very, very bad. I began to feel a bit panicky as I quickly hid my Pumpkin Spice Cheerios in the back of my kitchen cupboard, lest anyone see my revolting choice of cereal. I had no idea this penchant for all things pumpkin spice was fundamentally affecting my personality in a terrifying way- had a bonafide Basic Bitch been born? And if so, what did it all mean?
Upon my horror of finding I had a symptom of some sort of Basic Bitch Syndrome (let’s call it BBS, for short), I did as I usually do when I suspect illness (i.e. cancer, I always think it’s cancer): I checked WebMD. Hmmmm….strange. No listing for BBS anywhere on the site. Well, good to know I most likely won’t die from becoming a Basic Bitch; that website only serves to prove to yourself and others that you are, in fact, dying. So, my research continued to Wikipedia where I finally hit pay dirt; by definition:
“‘Basic Bitch’, or simply ‘Basic’ is a slang term in American pop culture used to pejoritively describe women (usually white) who are perceived to predominantly like mainstream products, trends, or music while at the same time fearing and disliking diversity.”
At first I got really excited- I’m not a Basic Bitch! I like diversity, doesn’t scare me at all! Yay for me! But wait…what is that? To the left of the definition on Wikipedia is a photo, apparently meant to serve as the Basic Bitch logo… a pair of Uggs Boots. Oh, shit. Now, in my own defense, I don’t own an actual pair of Uggs; I do, however, own a pair of boots that could be mistaken for actual Uggs, that I gallivant around in with skinny jeans tucked into them. And, I like them….a lot. Starting to sweat now (that is TWO confirmed symptoms!), I frantically try to decide how mainstream my tastes are. If I only listen to the Sirius Hits 1, 90’s on 9, 80’s on 8, and Lithium stations on my Sirius/XM radio, does that mean my music tastes are mainstream? Yes, probably. Ok, yes, it absolutely does.
Whew, ok. That’s three; OMG, what else? (Oh damn, is saying OMG a symptom, too? Probably.) I read pretty much only what Amazon recommends I should read, based on the past (probably mainstream) books I’ve read previously; holy shit, could that be any more basic? I searched online for more offenses deemed to be sure signs of BBS:
– If you use or have used the abbreviation “totes” (Guilty)
– You have a thing for Ryan Gosling (Well c’mon, who doesn’t? Not fair….)
– You use “ha-has” or emojis in text messages to make them seem less rude (Check)
– You are on or have ever tried a gluten free diet (Hey! I have Celiac, jerkwads! Sigh, check)
– You still quote lines from Clueless (Ok, fair point. Check)
– You still quote lines from Friends (Could I BE checking any more of these
– You wear make-up to the gym (Yes, yes I have….)
– You just love yoga pants (I do! But I do yoga in them, does that make it better?)
– You own the Sex and the City box set (This is just getting
There were so many more signs but I just had to stop, for my own sanity. At this point I’d say it’s official, and reading those lists….I mean, I just literally can’t even. And I don’t even know what it means to “can’t even”, it’s just this deeply rooted feeling I get, and I just instinctively know I can’t. Even. Literally.
Now I’m left wondering- what is the next step? They say knowing you have a problem is the first step, but where do I go from here? Being self aware and owning my Basic Bitchiness, I’m trying to decide a proper treatment plan. Are there support groups for Basic Bitches? Some sort of community where we can get together and drink bad coffee in a church basement somewhere, sharing the sordid details of our basic lives? Would I introduce myself before I speak, “Hi, I’m Samantha and I’m a Basic Bitch”, and would the rest of the group say “Hi Samantha” in depressed monotone while staring miserably at their sensible brown loafers, fiending to wear their Uggs just one more time? I suppose I’ll just have to take my BBS one day at a time…if there are any recovered Basics out there, please lend me your guidance.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a Friends rerun to watch.