soccer ball

Soccer moms, am I right? They are just the worst! According to pop culture that is; “Soccer Mom” appears to be right up there with mole people in the amount of disgust that is felt for this hideous breed of human. Being the self-aware kind of person I am, I guess I’d better start with a confession:

I am a soccer mom.

I know- the horror, right? You probably just made all sorts of assumptions about me the minute I said that, yeah? Just when you thought a Basic Bitch was the worst I could possibly be- man, I come at you with something like that. Sorry to ruin your pristine opinion about me; it’s shocking the depths of my depravity. I suppose I was aware of the Soccer Mom stigma before I became one, I had just not thought that much about it. I knew it was entity that was often made fun of, or used as a description to insult another person, but I had never really thought about why.

Let’s define the pop culture definition of a Soccer Mom, just so we are all on the same page. What does being a Soccer Mom mean?

According to Urban Dictionary:

Soccer Mom (noun):

A usually white, middle-classed woman. She drives an SUV. Her kids are her “little angels” and are more important than anything or anyone else in the world and deserve to play game demos or do anything else more than everyone. She doesn’t let her “little angels” watch TV with “naughty words” such as crap, pussywillow, and pants. Her kids aren’t allowed to go on the internet because it’s all about sex, raping little children, buying useless crap, and getting scammed. She strictly enforces the ESRB ratings systems; by that I mean makes up her own: EC = 10 and under, E = 11 and up, T and above = “Not in my house” (Movies: PG and under = Only movies you can see). Anything that doesn’t say they’re Christian is automatically Satanic; this includes 99.998% of music. Her children participate in as many after-school activities as possible and are usually at day camp during the summer. 

Soccer Moms are usually seen screaming at people, getting into car accidents, and breaking copies of Grand Theft Auto: Vice City and refusing to pay for them.

Now for my favorite part- the example of using it in a sentence is simply, “I hate Soccer Moms”.

Boy, there is a lot to unpack there. I think we can all agree though, with a definition like that, soccer moms are the pits!

I must confess, I had no idea that my daughter’s sport of choice said so much about me! When I signed my kid up for a soccer team back in the day, I just thought that that I was giving her a chance to try a new sport, get some fresh air, and meet other children. I suppose I should have forced her to play volleyball, or t-ball, or some shit like that. But the damage has been done and I’m now a scourge on society. My bad. But, if you will bear with me for just a tick, maybe I can attempt to defend myself and my friends? Let’s take this definition piece by piece….

The fact that soccer moms are supposed to be white is probably surprising to my Latina soccer mom pals- especially the one that coaches one of the teams in our league. Way to break the rules, gang! Not to mention the fact that soccer is most often played in South America and other typically not so Caucasian areas of the world; the players aren’t necessarily white, but the mothers generally are? Ok, sure. That makes a boat load of sense.

We drive SUVs, we do, I’ll give you that. So much is made over our choice of vehicle! Ok, Mr. Prius, let’s talk about my SUV for a minute. I’m well aware that, as a Prius driver, you feel quite superior to rest of us, and I’ve heard all of the reasons that you think you are. But if I may ask one question: Have you ever traveled across the state, almost every weekend in the Spring and Fall, with a family of four, in a compact car full of luggage, sports equipment, folding chairs, beer coolers, toys, stuffed animals, blankets, pillows, tablets, headphones, snacks, and booster seats? How fun was that? Wait, I’ll answer for you- NO FUN! Straight suck! We drive SUVs because when you have kids, you need room. That’s it! Just need the room an SUV or a van provides. We didn’t sell our souls, or sign a contract with the other Soccer Moms (in our own blood or otherwise) that promised we would drive the official vehicle of Soccer Moms everywhere. Nothing untoward is happening here; it’s just a coincidence of convenience.

We think our kids are little angels, huh? HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!! That’s a good one! Stop, you’re killing me- I’m about to wet my pants over that joke! Fun Fact: The moms of our team get together for Margarita Nights to bitch about our kids to one another; it’s an actual scheduled event on the printed soccer schedule that we all receive. Our girls would never speak to us again if they knew the level of non-angel kid complaining we do when they are not around. We love our kids, as we damned well should, but ain’t no one going around thinkin’ their kid is an angel, ok?

I’m not overly protective with television, although I do try my best to keep my kids from watching porn- is that too “helicopter parent-y” of me? At age 9 and age 5, I feel the artistic nuances of The Devil Wears Nada would be lost on them (ugh, kids are so uncultured, am I right?) and might even lead to some confusion and fright.  I’m not sure how the game of soccer has affected my decision for my kids to refrain from viewing bukkake scenes and money shots, but I really haven’t put my back into finding the correlation. Sorry! It must have something to do with it, since it’s the hallmark of Soccer Moms only to screen what your kids might view, but further research is needed on the soccer player/no porn situation. I can’t speak for everyone, but personally I’ve never found myself getting too upset over the word “pussywillow”.

(Although I can’t say it without giggling- pussywillow, heh heh. Thanks for that, Howard Stern!)

As far as destroying video games without paying for them, I first have to ask- who the hell plays Grand Theft Auto anymore? (2004 called; they want their game back, loser). But if GTA were still a thing (it’s not), I can’t think of a single soccer parent I know that has been going around, burning these discs in effigy. I know a woman who works at Game Stop and apparently this isn’t really a widespread problem; there are no policies in the employee handbook on how to handle angry, looting Soccer Moms. So I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say your concern on this issue is unwarranted. Crisis averted!

What’s next? Oh, everything is Satan! Christians or Bust, eh? Well, those of you who know me personally are chuckling right now, and I’ll leave it at that. I’ll just say, um, no. Plenty of Christian mother’s kids play soccer but they haven’t burned me at the stake yet; I don’t really see it coming, either.

But just in case, I suppose this would be a good time to make a plea- please don’t burn me at the stake. Thanks in advance!

I’ve heard a rumor that there is also an official Soccer Mom Haircut that is to be mocked and loathed. Upon further investigation, said haircut is short, somewhat teased, possibly spiky in the back, and invokes fear in the hearts of lesser mortals everywhere. I myself don’t have this haircut; short hair is not really my thing. But I do know Soccer Moms who sport this ‘do and I’m here to assure you, it’s fine. It’s fine! Their haircuts have yet to leap from their scalps and slit my throat (knock on wood!), so if the Soccer Mom Haircut is the thing your nightmares are made of, there are probably better things to be afraid of- trust me.

The rest of that definition started melting my brain, what with all the algebraic equations or whatever the hell that was, so I’m just gonna say there is generally no math equations involved at the soccer tournaments. I…. got nothing else on that. I’m confused.  And as far as the constant car accidents go, I mean, I suppose some Soccer Moms go around bashing other people’s cars in for fun- why not? I’m unclear as to why this is a problem; someone has to make sure insurance companies pay up from time to time. I call this a public service.

You might be wondering at this point- if I’m refuting all these well founded Soccer Mom traits- then what are soccer moms really like, and how did we get such a bad rap? Well, soccer moms are….moms, I guess? Our kids play soccer- that is really where the similarities end. For real. We are just a group of parents who support their kids in playing a specific sport; did you know Soccer Dads are a thing, too? I know, crazy, right? Much like a Soccer Mom, Soccer Dads are also pretty much like other parents, I suppose. Ya know, they have jobs, eat food, drink beer, and also just happen to have children that play soccer. So we are all just regular, is what I’m trying to say. I guess our bad reputations come from the fact that we can be a little, uh, rowdy, if you will? I suppose we have been known to behave badly from time to time. Behold, a few true facts about us you will probably get a little judge-y about:

Do we cheer loudly on the sidelines? Yes.

Have we been known to shout at a ref or two? Unfortunately, yes- I’m guilty of that, too. (Hey, that ref in Topeka was, in fact, a blind bastard; I’m not over it).

Do we coach our own kids from the sidelines? Yes, (sheepishly) sometimes. But you try to keep your mouth shut when your kid just stands there and watches the ball sail right on past her, without bothering to, ya know, kick it, or chase it, or whatever. It’s maddening! I try to let our Coach do her job; sometimes, I lose my shit. A little. I try not to. We all do.

Do we drink beer in the parking lot between games? Yep. You try hanging out at a sweltering hot soccer field all day, surrounded by hundreds of kids who are jacked up on Popsicles and adrenaline, and see if you don’t need a liquid libation to take the edge off.

Do we overtake whole floors of hotels at away tourneys, complete with loud kids running down hallways and slamming room doors? With apologies, yes- and it’s annoying as hell. But we have to take our exhausted-yet-totally-amped-up little athletes somewhere to sleep, so that shit happens. If you are gonna hate on me, at least hate on me for real offenses, and this is one of them. Sorry for partying. (If it makes you feel better, the hotel front desk clerk is up our asses during the whole stay and it’s miserable for everyone- yay!).

Do we spend a lot of money to put our kids on traveling teams? Yes. (Man, this one riles people up!). I want my kid to play in a league that actually keeps score and rewards hard work and top finishers with actual medals. So sue me. My daughter got tired of playing for hometown leagues that had no winners or losers; she wanted to her dedication to pay off, and learn to deal with real competition. Other sports have traveling leagues, too, so you have to heap as much abuse on those parents as you do on us- fair is fair.

All that aside, I think you can see soccer moms aren’t really the freaks we are portrayed to be. We just want our kids to have fun, learn team work, get some exercise (people are always bitching about obese, lazy kids, right?), and help our kids do their best out on the field. This shit is expensive; I’m not trying to have a kid that doesn’t give her all out there. You wanna watch butterflies? We can do that crap at home for free. At soccer games, I expect my daughter to give it all she has got- win or lose (and I don’t care which it is; she just has to do her best). And when she wins (and they often do, her team is fierce- they chase gold like a Spanish Conquistador) hell yeah, I’m gonna cheer for her! When she isn’t paying attention on the field, yes, I’ll give her a (sometimes loud) reminder from the sidelines. And when she loses and is frustrated, I’m going to wipe her tears and tell her I’m proud of her. Either way, I’m gonna have Barcardi in my Yeti because Soccer Moms like to party. None of that (except maybe the rum) makes me any better or worse than a “Basketball Mom” or a “Baseball Mom”, and certainly no worse than a “Football Mom”. (I think it’s probably “Football Moms” that start the shitty rumors about us; it’s gotta be that whole football is better than futbol controversy, right? Just kidding! Sort of.)

So, if you ever meet a dreaded Soccer Mom it’s totally fine to say hello- they are usually pretty friendly! She probably has some pretty good snacks to share with you if you are hungry (soccer players gotta carb load!) and I guarantee she has beer in the trunk of that awful SUV she is driving.  She might have a “wacky” haircut, but she probably won’t cut you in the parking lot (unless you are that one ref…. learn what a foul is, you damned, blind, yellow zebra).

Obnoxious Sports Mom-ish-ly Yours,



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